I think most of you know from our 30X30/31X31 lists that we are trying to have a baby. But it's not something I talk about much, except with a few close friends. Infertility is an interesting stage of life, filled with mixed emotions. I suspect that there are quite a few of my friends/acquaintances who are also struggling with infertility or have in the past; some are quite open about it and others keep it very private. I would say we're somewhere in the middle. If people ask us about it, directly or indirectly ("So, are you waiting to have kids?"or "Do you have any kids yet?" are not uncommon questions) we're pretty open that we're trying without success so far. But I definitely find myself picking and choosing what I share based on who is asking. For instance, when our mothers ask us, I have a tendency to be very vague. But when say the Fitz's ask us the latest, we're pretty open, probably since they've been through all this before.
In any case, I thought it might be interesting to share my mixed emotions (as mentioned above) or it might be just way too much information, or just really stale. Who can tell. So here goes, in no particular order:
1. Last night at orchestra rehearsal two girls I've known for a long time were talking about their 4-month old babies. And I was kind of mad. Which is stupid. They're both older than me, both got married later in life, and this is the first for both of them. It is wonderful!
2. Sometimes I worry that people that know we're struggling with infertility may feel awkward telling us that they're expecting. Because maybe I'll have a reaction like I did above. But honestly, I am almost always genuinely happy for that person--the above experience doesn't happen often. I truly recognize that a good thing happening to another person is not an injustice because it hasn't happened to me yet. Plus, I love most kids, so that just means more little babies for me to "ooh" and "aah" at. When I enthusiastically tell you how excited I am for you, I promise I'm not crying in the bathroom two minutes later.
3. Having a baby is not always on my mind. Sometimes I'm just too darn busy to worry about it; between work, mutual, orchestra, cooking, cleaning, etc., there's often not a lot of down time. I don't even always remember to pray for it. I felt a little guilty about that for awhile, but it's not like Heavenly Father doesn't know our desires.
4. I rarely feel sad when my period starts. It's not that I'm not hopeful; but it would just be so out of the norm to be pregnant, that I'm not really emotional to find out that I'm not pregnant. I can think of only two times that I cried when I realized our efforts hadn't worked. I don't remember when the first time was, but I know I was at work. The second time was about a year ago, when we had been trying for a little over a year. We had really made an effort to do everything "right": ovulation tests, good timing, other stuff that doesn't need to be mentioned . . . The day before my sister had announced that she was pregnant. And then my unwelcome guest arrived at my dad's birthday party. See above to know that I was truly, 100% happy for my sister. And little baby "E" is too cute for words. Love her! It was just hard timing. Luckily the sadness didn't last long--30 minutes maybe. A good hug from Royce helped a lot.
5. Speaking of periods (because I know the 2 or 3 guys reading this blog are loving this topic), sometimes I have irrational thoughts such as, "Man, I really wish I was pregnant because then I wouldn't be having these awful cramps that keep me up all night." Somehow I have delusions that I will not suffer from morning sickness once I do become pregnant.
6. Totally random thought here: I hate the term preggers. I hear it everywhere these days! It just sounds so unclassy and unfeminine. When I am pregnant please don't ever refer to me as being "preggers". You can say that I'm "expecting;" maybe that's old-fashioned, but I'm kind of old-fashioned.
7. A few months ago I thought that maybe we actually were pregnant. In that moment, I became absolutely terrified and wanted so much to see a negative result on the pregnancy test. It's amazing how something I want so much can be simultaneously terrifying.
8. Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm so worried about having a baby when I have friends who are still single and wondering if they're ever going to find their eternal companion, let alone have children.
9. Sometimes I look at people with children and feel intensely jealous of their life. Other times, I see people with children and assume that they're jealous of our carefree lifestyle (ok, our lifestyle is not exactly carefree, but it is more free than if we had children). That's probably not the case though. I think most people are pretty content with their state in life, including me!
10. I don't love advice on what worked for so-and-so to get pregnant. We're not totally uneducated on the subject and have been working with fertility specialists. But if you give me such advice I won't get mad or secretly resent you. I'm sure I've given unwanted "advice" to people before, so I know that since I dish it I can take it.
11. Sometimes I think about adoption. But I'll tell you right now that Royce is much more open to the idea than I am. Whenever I've been on adoption websites I kind of freak out and feel sick to my stomach. I am a total believer that adoption is wonderful! But for some reason right now I have a hard time with the idea of adopting. And I often feel guilty about that.
12. I recently was involved in a conversation about decorating a nursery. I listened and smiled, but couldn't contribute because truth is, I really don't want to decorate a nursery! I can see myself putting in a cute little dresser with something cute on top of it, but no painting of walls or cute animal decals. Realizing that about myself made me wonder if I'm fit to have children.
13. Sometimes when I think about having teenagers I want to throw in the towel all together. It's just such a hard time to be a teenager (so different from when I was a teenager--night and day it seems). I can't decide which would be harder: teenage girls or teenage boys. I really don't want to find out.
14. Overall, I know that this is in the Lord's hands. And that really gives me a lot of confidence and peace. In the meantime, Royce and I are going to enjoy our freedom and travel as much as we can. And maybe even blog about our travels (if you're really, really lucky).
11 comments:
Oh Heather... I just love you! Just a few comments
#6. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one that hates the term "preggers" and "preggo"... it's not as cute as everyone seems to think it is!
#12. I've never been one to decorate a nursery either. Maybe it's my practical side--I can't see the point in decorating an entire room all babyish, when they will just grow out of it within 2 years and you have to decorate all over again. I'd rather just keep it simple.
#13. I don't even want to think about having teenagers! Let alone 4 at once! Yikes! But Rich and I have worked with some amazing youth here and it gives me hope that our boys can turn out just as good.
Wow, it looks like you've had some of the very thoughts I've had. I've never struggled with infertility, but waiting for what seemed like forever to get married took me through some of these very same experiences.
1. It was always so hard to be happy for others when they got (usually at a much younger age) what I so desperately wanted. I was truly happy for them, but I did cry later on several occasions. It was always so hard going to bridal and baby showers when that's exactly what I wanted for myself.
6. I totally hate the term preggers too! Even more so when someone's referring to me that way. It's bad enough when someone says it about herself.
11. I think adoption is awesome, but I'm definitely too chicken to do it myself. I'd be so afraid of not loving the child completely, like they were truly mine from before birth.
12. I've always lived in an apartment, and therefore can't do much to decorate a nursery, and I'm totally fine with that. Taping up bath-toy alphabet letters is as good as I got. :)
And can I just say, you're amazing! I could always tell how genuinely happy you were for others, even though it might have been hard.
Heather, this is really an awesome post. It's nice that you are honest about your feelings, even though it's some hard stuff you're dealing with!
When the time is right and you become a mother, you'll be a WONDERFUL mom, whether or not you spend all your money decorating a nursery or put contact paper over boxes to shove under the crib in the corner of your bedroom. You do what you have the time and the resources and the desire to do.
I think you're incredibly smart to enjoy the life you have now, and look forward with anticipation to whatever the future holds for your family. Just keep doing what is right and what is good, and it all comes out in the end, right?
LOVE YOU TO BITS.
(Oh, and p.s.--my Kate got in to the School of Music, and it made my little black heart so happy to see your name on her letter, as the all-knowing advisement guru!! I guess she'll be coming to see you at some point...)
Amen to all of the above! Seriously! And seriously love you :)
I'm so glad you took some time to write out these thoughts. It seems to somehow ease the yearning I've been having (for months) to be able to sit around with our close group of girlfriends and be able to just really TALK for an extended length of time without interruption.
And your point by point format was perfect, too =) See how we can all easily respond to the topics of our choosing without complication?! =)
1. I relate to these feelings a bit. It never usually bothers me to hear people talk about their spouse/husband, but every once in a rare while there's an inevitable sting. And I hate when that happens because of course we're all genuinely happy for each other's happinesses!
3. This point rememinded me of a statement by C.S. Lewis that I love and that I think is so true. He says, "One never meets just Cancer, or War, or Unhappiness (or Happiness). One only meets each hour or moment that comes. All manner of ups and downs. Many bad spots in our best times, many good ones in our worst."
And about forgetting to pray... i used to be exactly the same way about Wes's cancer. Of course we prayed about it. Often. Daily, usually. But of course there were fluctuations in frequency, intensity, etc. I remember wondering one day after he died if anything would have been different if I'd been less forgetful/ more rigorous in my prayers. And then I realized the same thing you mentioned. God knows our desires. He hears the prayers we do offer (both verbally and in our hearts). Blessings aren't "awarded" according to our performance in an arbitrary game or point system. Of course it's not like that. I just think the guilt we sometimes feel comes from wanting to be sure we've done/are doing everything we can/shoud do. You think?
6. AMEN. HOW did that term ever become so widely used??
12. Re-read Elder Anderson's most recent conference talk the other day. Loved this: "In the most beloved story of a baby’s birth, there was no decorated nursery or designer crib—only a manger for the Savior of the world." So beautiful.
And so are you. So beautiful. A beautiful woman. And a beautiful mother. Now and whenever/however your own children come.
Still ache for that nice long talk!
Someday!
Love you!
You are awesome Heather! And so wise! I think if I had shared my feelings on infertility with others, I would have been a lot happier. It's always easier to go through a trial when there's someone else out there who knows just how you are feeling!! Amen to your post!! Esp. #6 & #12. I had a friend who changed her profile picture to a can of "Preggo" when she found out she was expecting. It was her way of announcing it to the world. I just thought it was tacky.
#9 I remember sitting in sacrament meeting lots of years ago and seeing a young father take his screaming child out and my jealous side came out and I thought "seriously!! the child is screaming, why am I jealous of that!!"
#10 Isn't it funny how people think you don't know anything about conceiving a child? Those same people also give you advice on how to be a parent too, because apparently I'm doing it all wrong. Sigh.
#11 Adoption is awesome BUT it comes with a lot of other emotions too. I was the one ready for it before Dave...but once we finally got Sam, there was no turning back and freaking out happened on a daily basis for the first 6 months. Everyone's adoption experience is different too. Some are great (like ours) and some a horror stories.
Overall, I wouldn't trade my experience with infertility/adoption/pregnancy/motherhood for the world. The Lord definately knew that this was the path that I needed to be on and it has come with rewards I could not fathom.
Thanks for sharing this, Heather. You are one of the most wonderful people I know, and any kid would be lucky to call you mom. Hang in there. I have to believe that the Lord knows what He's doing.
(Also, I'm with you - and everyone else apparently - on the terms "preggo" and "preggers." So obnoxious!)
Thanks for sharing, Heather. It's nice to know how things are going. And don't worry about nurseries; I can't even spell the word without a dictionary much less decorate one.
Jeanine, thanks for the reminder to focus on the hope of good things.
Sharon I've often thought about your wait to become engaged--even though we all have different things we have to wait for, I think it's nice to know that there are others who have been down this same path before.
Marianne, I'm so excited to meet your Kate! Give her my congratulations.
Lori, I think you're right that it's more of a sting that we feel sometimes than actual jealousy. That's the perfect description!
Michelle, if we do ever decide to adopt I'll have to come pick your brain about your experience.
Everyone, thanks for all your kind comments. I have really amazing friends, btw! And I'm glad to know that I won't be alone in not decorating a nursery.
Heath, I'm so sorry I haven't commented until now, I honestly didn't know you had updated your blog until..well, today-oops, but I'm very happy you posted this because I can tell you right now that we're going through the same thing, obviously we haven't been trying as long as you have, but it has almost been a year and a lot of the thoughts that have run across your mind have come across mine as well. I just want to say that yes, you will be a great mom when it happens and I love that you guys are making the most of your lives while you don't have babies yet. I truly admire that quality on not dwelling on the matter, because lets be honest, I probably have more than Randall has liked ;) However, I do have to say that I do love the term "prego" because I abbreviate a lot of my words, but I don't like "preggers", so I dont know how different you actually think those two words are but I might use prego if I ever get prego and I hope you're not mad at that... 2nd of all, I might decorate my nursery quite a bit, maybe not to the extreme like some mothers, but I do think that will be fun and I hope you like it..when that time comes..obvio, anyway, thanks for the inspiring words, I'm glad you told everyone more about it. I haven't asked you much about it because I didn't know how you would respond but I do respect this blog post and what you have shared. Sorry if this comment was waaaaaay long winded but you know how I am ;) Love ya! And call me if you ever wanna chat about it
You perfectly sum up what most people going through this feel, but mistakenly feel alone- because so few adequately articulate these thoughts & feelings like you did. Very helpful. Glad you haven't become crazy cat people yet!
Post a Comment